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Share plans and proprietary estoppel: be careful what you promise
Samuel Sherr
Introduction
I recently came across an incredibly heart-warming article written by my colleague, Charlotte Bradley, titled "‘On autism, art and my sister Lucy’." It highlights beautifully the challenges that Charlotte's late sister faced throughout her life. It got me thinking about autism myself and, as a result, some difficulties my daughter has been experiencing. The article struck a chord and inspired me to learn more about children’s mental health. As I delved deeper into the subject, I realised the importance of addressing underlying issues from the child’s perspective, as well as looking at the day to day challenges and problems our children face.
Children’s mental health statistics
Mental health issues affect around one in six children aged 5 - 16 and can include anxiety, depression and conduct disorder. According to the Good Childhood Report 2022, children’s happiness continues to decline in the UK. Recent years have been marked by the compounding challenges of the pandemic, societal unrest, and the overall intensity of life which have made a huge impact.
The importance of attention and love
Every child wants to receive attention and love. They want to have a quality time with their parents through which they receive love, care, reassurance and support. By that I mean simply being present with the children: playing with them, talking to them about their own interests and zoning out of our own worries or day-to-day logistics (all of which is easier said than done!). For parents going through separation, this is often hard to achieve given they are already feeling anxious themselves (and the delays in the current court system are certainly not helping), which means that they often don’t have the headspace to have that quality time with the children. As a result, children may start misbehaving, screaming and exhibiting challenging behaviour, because that is often the only way for them to receive attention. Teenagers may start suppressing emotions, may become withdrawn, anxious and self-conscious. Often this is because they need love and attention, and these behaviours are the only way for them to receive it. This creates a vicious circle and it only makes it more difficult for the parents, as well as the children. Added to this, when there is another layer of difficulty, such as mental health issues, the pressure on both children and parents can be enormous.
The Bucket Analogy: Understanding Emotional Overwhelm
Recently, I spoke to an educational specialist who used an amazing analogy in respect of my own daughter. It’s such a simple, yet helpful way of thinking about day-to-day activities that may be affecting her, or anyone for that matter. The specialist suggested imagining that she is a child who walks around with a bucket already half-full.
Social interactions, undue pressure and certain activities may ‘fill up her bucket’ during the day. When the bucket is ‘full’, she becomes overwhelmed. This is in comparison to other children, who are may be able to start their day with an empty (or ‘emptier’) bucket. So, the key for me, as a parent, is to understand what makes the bucket fill up and what is needed to bring it back to the usual level, and recognise that what may be absolutely fine for other children may overwhelm my daughter, because the bucket will reach ‘full’ more quickly.
Cultivating Patience and Understanding
I wish I had known this earlier, this newfound understanding has transformed my communication with my daughter. I have become more patient and compassionate. It has also reminded me that each one of us carries our own burdens and worries daily. Whether it's the well-being of elderly parents, temporary mental health difficulties faced by our children, a sick pet, or a morning disagreement with a partner, our buckets fill up every day.
Conclusion
Don't we all carry a bucket with half-full experiences? Each person's life is akin to an iceberg, with so much hidden beneath the surface. We can never truly grasp the challenges someone else may be facing at any given moment. A valuable lesson I've learned in recent months is the importance of taking a step back and cultivating patience and kindness for ourselves and for those around us. As we celebrate National Children's Day (14 May 2023), I will be taking the opportunity to express gratitude for what I have, and a reminder to be fully present in the moments we share with our loved ones.
FURTHER INFORMATION
If you have any questions about the issues raised in this blog, please contact a member of our family and divorce team.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Yuliya Osudina is an Associate in the Family Team. Yuliya advises on a wide range of issues arising out of family or relationship breakdown. Yuliya is multilingual and speaks Russian, Ukrainian and advanced French.
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