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Keeping the peace at Christmas – top tips for shared parenting over the festive season
Lauren Evans
For separated or divorced families, Christmas is often an emotionally charged time of year, fraught with practical challenges and competing demands, as parents try to agree arrangements for family gatherings and festive events.
Here are some tips on how best to prepare for the issues which may arise at Christmas:
Plan ahead – No one wants to be exchanging solicitors’ letters the week before Christmas. Make plans well in advance and consider the practicalities. Propose and hopefully agree a schedule of dates, handover times and places well in advance of 25 December. Both parents should accept that there needs to be a degree of flexibility, but within a framework so that the children know what they are doing and when. Think about what the children want and what is going to be least disruptive for them. Logistics and the practical steps for the handover from one parent to another can sometimes be a struggle. How long is it going to take to get from A to B, particularly factoring in Christmas traffic? How much is it going to cost and who is going to pay, if trains or planes are required. What happens if there are delays? If both parents want to take the child to an event taking place on the same day, talk about it well in advance to work out if they can both be accommodated. Does your partner have last minute tickets to the Christmas panto, but you have organised to visit Grandma? Try to think about things objectively and in the best interests of your child. Remember that you will both need to agree in advance if your child has to miss any school time or there is to be international travel.
Christmas Day - In some families, geography permitting, children are able to spend time with both parents on Christmas day. This isn’t right for every family though and one solution is to alternate Christmas day year by year, or to treat Christmas eve or boxing day as a second Christmas day with the other parent. Think about the reality for your children – where will they be happiest and what is easiest for them, particularly if it is the first time the family has been separated for Christmas? Where possible, prevent any difficult Christmas planning discussions from taking place in front of the children.
Gifts – Try to discuss with the other parent what you are each going to buy for the children; planning this in advance should avoid you getting them the same thing or that feeling of “one-upmanship”. If your relationship with the other parent is amicable, one option is to give joint presents to your children to avoid comparison or competition. To cut through any animosity, some parents organise presents for children to give to the other parent.
Telephone and video calls - Parents can often disagree about when and how telephone/Facetime contact should take place over the Christmas period. It may be difficult to fit this into a busy Christmas schedule, so try to agree in advance whether your child will telephone/video call the other parent and the best time for it.
Nativity play and Christmas concerts - Will both sets of grandparents want to see their only grandchild dressed up in the school nativity play? If you are the parent who has day to day contact with the school, keep the other parent informed about important dates and school events.
Inform and be informed - Do you know the detail of flights, timings and other transport arranged if the children are going skiing or visiting relatives over the Christmas period? Provide as much information as possible about the travel plans to the other parent; both parents’ consent will be needed if the children are leaving the country. If there is any concern that a child will not be returned following a trip abroad, speak to a lawyer and ensure safeguards are in place such as a written assurance the child will be returned on a certain date, and have details of the return flight.
Sometimes mediation can help you find a way forward and a sensible compromise. It is often less divisive, quicker and can help “reality test” arrangements to ensure they work for both children and parents.
If you can’t reach an agreement, consider arbitration which is when a jointly instructed Judge makes a binding decision at a private hearing. There is an unprecedented backlog in the family court. Arbitration can offer certainty and prevent court delays leaving the children, and the rest of the family, in limbo about what is happening for Christmas.
Be flexible – Changes to the Christmas routine following a separation can be difficult for children, and flexibility can be key to making sure the children are as settled as possible.
Above all, make the most of your time with the children, have fun and create new, happy memories and traditions for future Christmases to come.
About the author
Lauren is a Partner in the family team with experience of all types of private family law work, relating to both complex financial arrangements and children issues. Lauren is also a mediator and helps clients to work through the practical and legal issues arising from separation and divorce.
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