Collaborative divorce: what I would choose

If I was getting divorced, how would I like to do it (assuming that decision was in my control)? I would choose collaborative law. It puts children at the centre and allows you to focus on how you would like to co-parent in the future. It allows you to spend your money on finding a solution rather than arguments and it ensures that those solutions are focused on what you really care about. 

I have just finished my collaborative training and want more people to know about this way of resolving things following a separation. I have set out more details below and hope you will read on in case you, or those you care about, have to consider the best way to separate in the future. 

What is collaborative law?

Collaborative law involves you and your partner, and each of your collaboratively trained lawyers, resolving everything in meetings together. You will each meet separately with your lawyers to discuss what is important to you and how, where and when you would like the meetings to be run. The lawyers will talk to you, and each other, about whether it would be useful to have anyone else in the meeting: a financial adviser, a pension specialist, a family consultant - really anyone who can help you to resolve things. There will then usually be a number of meetings where the finances, children, or both will be discussed until an agreement has been reached and can be written up by the lawyers. 

At the start of this process, you and the lawyers sign up to an agreement not to issue court proceedings. This ensures everyone is invested in finding a solution. Even if the going gets tough, your lawyers are committed to this process and what you come up with is likely to be far more flexible than any judgment imposed on you by a judge who does not know you or your family. Of course you or your partner can still go to court but you would each need to instruct new lawyers which means that there is an additional investment, from both of you and also both of your lawyers, to keep trying when things are difficult.

Why I would choose collaborative law

Co-parenting and communication

I know from personal and professional experience how damaging separation can be for children and parents - but I also know that it doesn’t have to be. 

As a mother of two young boys, I understand wanting to be the best you can be for your children. And that is an incredibly powerful tool which you can use to your family’s advantage if you are separating. If I were to ask 20 people this question - “how would you like things to be for your children 5 years from now?” -  I think most of them would say that they would like things to at least be civil at birthdays, school events, graduations and weddings. The collaborative process can place this aim at its centre. It is not easy, because divorce generally isn’t for most people, but it can enable you and your partner to communicate effectively post separation. A client of another collaborative lawyer, at the end of their separation said that this process allows your family to separate but remain intact. That has got to be one of the best outcomes you can hope to achieve at the end of a separation. 

Investing in your future, not arguments 

Collaborative law involves two lawyers giving you and your partner legal advice at the same time. You each have your own lawyer, so you know you are supported and have someone looking at things from your perspective, but the best way to think of it may be to see us as your family’s lawyers. We are not here to score points - that might be satisfying but it’s expensive and often doesn’t take you far. We are here you help you find solutions and secure the best possible future. 

Dignity and ownership

The collaborative process will not leave you or your partner feeling left behind by lawyers talking jargon. You will not have to worry what your legal costs have been spent on because you are there in all the meetings that take up most of the lawyers’ time. You will not be left wondering whether what matters most to you will be dealt with - you know it will be because the lawyers stop talking to listen to you, not the other way around. 

This whole process is entirely bespoke and will be crafted around you, your partner, any children you have and what is most important for your family. If you are the best person to explain something, you can, then and there: no long and costly back and forth between lawyers. If we need expert pension advice, we can just have a chat, tell an expert what we need and then have them call into our meeting to explain their views. No wasted time, money or unanswered questions. 

This process isn’t easy but the benefits are huge. I am genuinely convinced, with all my experience as a family lawyer, that this is how I would choose to divorce if I had to. 

Contain your divorce

Divorce can extend into all areas of your life. It can feel overwhelming and never-ending. I often marvel at how my clients manage to cope with the emotion of it all and the demands of an ongoing traditional litigation case, even one managed outside of court (as the majority of mine are these days). 

A process which focuses on meetings helps contain your divorce. There will be work - the better the preparation the fewer meetings there should be and the faster and more cost-effective this should be - but it is contained. And at one of the most chaotic times imaginable, in an already busy life, that is something I know I would want. 

20 years of collaborative practice 

The head of my team, Charlotte Bradley, was among the first family lawyers to train as a collaborative lawyer (back in 2004) and helped build up the collaborative movement in the UK. I have just finished the latest training and whilst discussing it with Charlotte she had this to say about her 19 years of practising as a collaborative lawyer:  “With the right clients and the right lawyers working with the other partner or spouse, the collaborative process works brilliantly. I’ve found it enables the couple’s particular needs and wishes to be addressed properly and creatively and, when there are children involved, it is my ideal way of working as it really puts the children’s needs at the forefront”.

FURTHER INFORMATION

If you have any questions about the issues raised in this blog, please contact a member of our family and divorce team.