Child Inclusive Mediation – connecting with your child’s views

For a number of years, research has shown that children and young people want information about what is happening to their family when their parents decide to separate. Many want the opportunity to be heard when decisions are being made about them.

For parents navigating a separation, shielding your child from any ongoing conflict and difficulties is an absolute priority. That can sometimes, however, be difficult to balance when also trying to understand what your child might be worried about and what they may wish to happen. 

How can you, as parents, ensure your child’s views can be heard, if your child wants them to be?

Parents who are mediating should be informed about Child Inclusive Mediation. This is a process where a mediator, with specialist training as a child consultant, meets directly with your child or children to allow them to share their views, thoughts and feelings. Child Inclusive Mediation is not a form of therapy, although some Child Inclusive Mediators also practice as therapists. The aim of Child Inclusive Mediation is to give your child the opportunity for their “voice” to be heard when discussing matters that relate to them.

The government has suggested that children aged 10 and above should generally have access to a child inclusive mediator when questions about their future are being resolved in mediation. The recommend age of 10+ is not absolute, and your child’s maturity will be relevant factor to consider. Where there are siblings, sometimes parents and the mediator may consider the process suitable for a younger sibling too. Whether siblings are met together or separately depends on the circumstances, and the mediator will consider what is most appropriate, given your children’s ages, maturity, personalities and their relationship with each other.

Child Inclusive Mediation is not mandatory. As with your own mediation, Child Inclusive Mediation is entirely voluntary and both parents and the child would need to agree to any child inclusive mediator meeting the children. Your mediator should raise Child Inclusive Mediation with you during your initial meetings. If you both agree to it, your mediator can then help you find a suitable child inclusive mediator and discuss with you how you raise it with your child/children.

Child Inclusive Mediation can take place anywhere that’s agreed, but it is recommended that it takes place at a “neutral” location rather than one parent’s home. This could be the children’s school, the home of a neutral family friend or the mediator’s office. The mediator will be able to discuss the options with you both, so you can both agree arrangements that work best for your child and the circumstances, including how your child will get to and from the mediation session.

Voice not choice

Children should not be forced to meet with a mediator if they do not want to. They will have the process and the role of the child inclusive mediator explained to them which will include confirmation that their discussions will be completely confidential and that they will have control over what, if anything, is shared with their parents.

The purpose of Child Inclusive Mediation is not to allow or expect your child to make decisions.  It does, however, give them an opportunity to have their views heard. Your child’s mediator will ensure your child understands that they are not responsible for any overall decisions, but that if there is anything they would like to have shared with you, this can be done with their permission. If your children want information reported back to you, this can take place in a separate feedback meeting between you, your mediator and the child inclusive mediator. 

The purpose of Child Inclusive Mediation is not to obtain your child’s wishes and feelings in a legal sense. It is an opportunity for children to tell the professionals helping their parents what they want them to know or consider while decisions are being made that affect them. Your children will be in control of what is shared and how.  Knowing that their views and needs can be heard can be very helpful for children processing their parents’ separation, and it can provide insight for parents making decisions.

Parents may be surprised about the issues children raise. Despite the huge changes going on around them, their biggest concerns may be when they will get to see the family dog, spend time with their best friend or whether they can take their favourite toy to both parents’ houses. Having shared this may provide reassurance to parents and ensure they consider these issues when discussing the wider arrangements.

Other options

Child Inclusive Mediation is just one of the ways in which children can be supported during their parents’ separation and given a forum within which they can share their views, thoughts and feelings. 

If Child Inclusive Mediation is not considered appropriate for children, or your child does not wish to speak to a mediator, there are other sources of support that may be more suitable.  Your child’s school may have pastoral care arrangements in place; family therapy may be an option; or you may wish to consider working with a trained therapist to help you find ways to support your child through the process.  Your mediator should be able to signpost you to any resources for you to consider.

Charlotte Bradley is a CIMS mediator, please contact her or a member of the mediator's team.

FURTHER INFORMATION

If you have any questions about the topic of this blog,  please contact Stacey Nevin or a member of our team of family and divorce lawyers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Stacey Nevin is a Senior Associate in our Family and Divorce team.  She advises UK and international clients on matters involving all aspects of family law, in particular complex financial issues and private children cases.