Grief Awareness Week: Learning to Live with Loss

For this year’s Grief Awareness Week, the theme is ‘Shine a light’ on those resources that might assist those who are experiencing grief. 

Grief of course is something that all of us have faced or will face in different aspects of our lives as a natural response to loss. But the most significant loss and one that nearly all of us will experience (sadly probably several times in our lives) is having a close bereavement, be it a family member, friend or even devoted pet. And I am acutely aware that many at Kingsley Napley have lost close colleagues as well as friends and family.

The grief club (as it is often known and referred to frequently in Cariad Lloyd’s podcast) is the one club that none of us want to join. Having lost three people close to me in the last 3 years - my Dad, sister Lucy, and, only 10 weeks ago, my former husband (and Dad to my children) Richard, - suddenly I’ve jumped the queue and been given VIP membership. Unlike my twins who are only 15, I have been fortunate in not having ‘joined’ the club until now  and it’s certainly not something for which  I was ever prepared.

In our society,  people are reluctant to talk about death and everything that surrounds it, emotionally and practically, and, while I’ve quickly become a so-called expert in the huge practical ramifications following death – I don’t pretend to be an expert emotionally -  I now realise that I was not really there for friends who previously went through close bereavement in the way I would be now.

In processing my grief in recent years (and particularly in the last few weeks and trying to prepare my children for the months and years to come), I’ve been avidly reading books and listening to podcasts (see my recommendations below) as well of course as talking to good friends. I recognise that in doing so, I’m trying to regain some control over what I can’t or should not expect to control.

From what I’ve experienced, read and heard, I can see that grief, in all its pain, is something that is inevitable (a natural response to losing someone you love), it can be overwhelming especially in those early days and nights (I describe those shocking waves of grief like being hit by a juggernaut), but, even after time, it can catch you at unexpected moments.

For those lucky enough not to have yet experienced close bereavement, I’m sorry to say that there is no pattern of grief and there is no grief road map to follow. It never ends, it just evolves and while I’ve found it gets easier as time passes, it has a habit of hitting you in the face when you least expect it, be it when you hear a song on the radio, or during anniversaries, at Christmas or when you hear of others’ losses. You just need to let grief run its course but a course which has no end, it just gets easier over time as you learn to develop your life around it.

As a family lawyer, mediator and now trained coach, I’m naturally interested in psychology but have learnt from all my ‘grief’ reading that the 5 stages of grief (which many of us know so well) don’t fit well with grief following bereavement. Grief following bereavement is not linear and you should certainly not expect to reach the 5^th and final stage, ‘’Acceptance’’ (in fact the person who developed the model, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, was describing people with their own terminal illness, not grief following another’s death).

The Dual Process Model resonates more with me which in short means the griever will oscillate between confronting the loss and avoiding it (ie coping with it at times but seeking respite at other times, which for me has involved hotpod yoga at 37 degrees  and watching more bad TV than normal!)

What has comforted me,  having been through three bereavements so close together,  is that those awful, shocking juggernaut feelings of the early days do ease and are interspersed with unexpected feelings of feeling just fine  (as well as humour) plus an inbuilt capacity to deal all those huge practical things you need to organise such as the funeral (there’s so much to do, a bit like organising a wedding but in record time and without the excitement, the honeymoon or the happy ever after!)

What I can also say is that, don’t worry if you can’t face reading or aren’t a reader, if you don’t like podcasts or can’t bare to research the internet. For me, having friends, close colleagues and a supportive work place, and in particular someone to listen to you, to help you practically (or providing cooked meals, thank you Family partners!), or just share your space is probably the best tonic.

For those who don’t have a good support work or struggle to find someone to talk to, there are several excellent organisations with helplines (I’ve listed a couple below).  And for those who are supporting others going through grief, remember you are not able to fix anything – it can’t be fixed - but just showing you care is enough (don’t worry about saying the wrong thing, which I know inhibits some from reaching out,  a message saying I’m thinking of you makes a huge difference). 

Of course, what is right for you and how you face your grief journey will be particular to you as each bereavement is unique to you - grief following the death of a special person (or animal) is unique to you as only you shared that particular relationship or memory.

Therefore there should be no hierarchy of grief, it is about your relationship - while I happen to have lost people close to me (and which society recognises as close), for others, it may be someone close  who is a non-family member, perhaps a public figure they’ve loved from afarfor years or perhaps someone they’ve had a complicated history with – the latter doesn’t make grief any easier!

So in this week, as well as highlighting those resources that I know of or been recommended– there are loads -  or have found helpful (so far!) I would just remind us all to support those we know who are grieving, even in little ways,  to remind them you’re there.

Podcasts

• Griefcast – Cariad Lloyd (like my twins she lost her dad at 15 and started this podcast by interviewing other comedians but expanded to lots of others, including ‘grief’ experts)
• Griefworks and Therapy works – Julia Samuels a well known author and psychotherapist

Books

• Grief Works - Julia Samuels
• You’re Not Alone – Cariad Lloyd
• The Madness of Grief - Reverend Richard Coles
• When Children Grieve – James, Friedman and Matthews
• Losing Young - Rachel Wilson
• Everybody Died So I Got a Dog – Emily Dean

Organisations

• Cruse  (and Hope Again, its youth website)
• Child Bereavement OK
• https://winstonswish.org/ - supports children, young people with bereavement and their families