Children's Mental Health Week - Giving children a voice in divorce

This week marks Children’s Mental Health Week, a mental health awareness week launched by children’s mental health charity, Place2Be. The theme this year is This is My Place, with a focus on the importance of belonging.
 

Place2Be reminds us that belonging and feeling part of a secure environment is a basic human need that strongly influences a child’s emotional wellbeing, confidence and resilience.

Many of our clients are concerned that their children’s sense of belonging may be impacted by the separation of their parents. A divorce or separation involves a significant change to family life and this can understandably be unsettling for children, particularly when they begin moving between two homes. Where our clients have children, it is natural for them to be worried about the impact the separation will have on them. 

For some children, having a voice can help create a sense of belonging as it can help children feel that they are part of the process. Many clients ask if their child will be given a voice in the process and, if so, how. Whether you are exploring arrangements for your children with your ex-partner within court proceedings or by agreement, there are various ways in which children can have an opportunity to be involved in the process, if it is considered to be appropriate. 

In court proceedings
 

When the court is asked to make decisions about the arrangements for children following their parents’ separation, the child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration. The court must also have regard to a number of factors which include: 

• the child’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
• the likely effect on them of a change in their circumstances;
• their age, sex and background;
• any harm suffered or which they will likely suffer;
• the capacity of the child’s parents; and
• the child’s wishes and feelings. 

When it comes to considering a child’s wishes and feelings, this must be done in light of the child’s age, maturity and level of understanding. The assessment is usually undertaken by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) or an Independent Social Worker. A Cafcass officer or a social worker will speak with the children and report what they consider their wishes and feelings to be, depending on their age and the strength of the views the child appears to have. Cafcass and social workers play a vital role in helping the court understand how the proposals parents are making may be viewed from the child’s perspective. 

Outside of court proceedings
 

Child arrangements can also be explored outside of court and this is very much encouraged. One option is through mediation which is a private, without prejudice, and confidential forum within which discussions are managed by a mediator. When parents with children over the age of 10 are attending mediation, the mediator may discuss the option of Child Inclusive Mediation. Child Inclusive Mediation involves the children meeting with a trained child inclusive mediator who will offer an opportunity for children to have their views heard and to share any thoughts or feelings they want their parents to understand when they are discussing arrangements which will affect them. With the child’s consent (and this is not always given), the child’s views are then shared with the parents. This is a great opportunity for the children to share what they feel they need from their parents in order to enhance their feeling of belonging.

Child Inclusive Mediation may not be appropriate in all cases, depending in particular on the child’s age, but is a good option to keep in mind.

How can you, as a parent, help your child feel like they belong?
 

Belonging can mean something different to everyone. For some it may involve having a space where they can be themselves without judgment, and for others it may be more closely connected to family routines or their clubs and activities. Creating a “place” for your children where they feel safe and a part of something can really boost confidence and help them to feel secure and supported.

Place2Be have produced useful resources containing some tips, all of which can be helpful during the course of separation and/or child proceedings:

1. Cheer for their achievements and boost their sense of self-worth. Help them to explore what makes them unique and celebrate their interests or hobbies.
2. Provide a loving and consistent family environment, encourage strong connections with friends and other trusted adults, and collaborate with the school.
3. Emphasise positive and trusting relationships. This could include listening without judgment, being emotionally supportive, and helping build trust.
4. Establish positive family traditions. Creating a sense of security and connection through routines and traditions can really help a child feel comfortable and confident. This can be as simple as making a favourite meal or reading stories in the evening.
5. Encourage open communication. Particularly during a separation when things are changing in a child’s life, it can help to create a safe space where the child feels able to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Place2Be have designed an art activity that explores what “my place” means to each child and this could be a helpful family activity.
6. Embrace and celebrate heritage to keep children connected to their roots.

How can you be supported as a parent?
 

It is important to keep in mind that, particularly during a difficult separation, you as parents may also need some help. Accessing support as parents can be a central part of supporting your children, to give you the headspace and tools you need. There are plenty of resources available which can be tailored to your particular situation. In addition to useful online guidance and resources (such as those produced by Place2Be), some of our clients choose to work with a therapist. This can be beneficial on both an individual level (i.e. a therapist for personal support and wellbeing) and as a family (i.e. a family therapist who can help explore how best to discuss the separation with children and how to answer difficult questions they may have). A separation can be challenging but you do not need to go through it alone – having the tools and support in place can help you feel more prepared and promote your own emotional wellbeing, therefore enabling you to be in the best position to support your children.   

The aim of the This is My Place campaign is to support the groups and systems surrounding children, to create inclusive and nurturing environments where children and young people feel they belong. A divorce or separation is a crucial time to consider the mental health of the children and young people involved but, with the right approach and support, it need not have a long-term impact on the emotional wellbeing of your children. Keeping in mind the bigger picture and taking an approach that promotes a harmonious parenting relationship in the long term can really make a difference both to you and your children. Utilise the many resources available and, where needed, seek professional/legal help from someone who, like you, keeps your children at the heart of everything.