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This week marks Children’s Mental Health Week, a mental health awareness week launched by children’s mental health charity, Place2Be. The theme this year is Know Yourself, Grow Yourself, and, through the characters of Pixar’s Inside Out, seeks to explore the importance of self-awareness and expressing emotions.
The voice of the child
A divorce or separation involves a significant change to family life. Where our clients have children, it is natural for them to be worried about the impact the separation will have on them. Many clients ask if their child will be given a voice in the process and, if so, how. Some clients dread the idea of this and others consider it to be very important.
Whether you are exploring arrangements for your children with your ex-partner within court proceedings or by agreement, there are various ways in which the children can have an opportunity to express themselves, if it is considered to be appropriate.
In court proceedings
When the court is asked to make decisions about the arrangements for children following their parents’ separation, the child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration. The court must also have regard to a number of factors which include:
- the child’s physical, emotional and educational needs;
- the likely effect on them of a change in their circumstances;
- their age, sex and background;
- any harm suffered or which they will likely suffer;
- the capacity of the child’s parents; and
- the child’s wishes and feelings.
When it comes to considering a child’s wishes and feelings, this must be done in light of the child’s age, maturity and level of understanding. The assessment is usually undertaken by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) or an Independent Social Worker. A Cafcass officer or a social worker will speak with the children and report what they consider their wishes and feelings to be, depending on their age and the strength of the views the child appears to have. Cafcass and social workers play a vital role in helping the court understand how the proposals which parents are making may be viewed from the child’s perspective.
Outside of court proceedings
Child arrangements can also be explored outside of court and this is very much encouraged. One option is through mediation which is a private, without prejudice and confidential forum within which discussions are managed by a mediator. When parents with children over the age of 10 are attending mediation, it is very likely that the mediator will discuss the option of Child Inclusive Mediation with them. Child Inclusive Mediation involves the children meeting with a trained child inclusive mediator who will offer an opportunity for children to have their views heard and to share any thoughts or feelings they want their parents to understand when they are discussing arrangements which will affect them. With the child’s consent (and this is not always given), the child’s views are then shared with the parents.
Child Inclusive Mediation may not be appropriate in all cases, depending in particular on the child’s age and other professionals already involved in their lives, but is a good option to keep in mind.
How can you, as a parent, help your child?
Self-awareness involves a good understanding of feelings and emotions and Place2Be have produced some useful resources containing practical tips, all of which can be useful during the course of separation and/or child proceedings:
1. Journaling
The aim of journaling is to express emotions and thoughts on paper, and it provides an opportunity to reflect. This is particularly helpful where children find it difficult to share thoughts out loud. Parents could use the journal as a way to share information, understand their child’s feelings and address their concerns.
2. Make space for reflection
The aim here is to encourage children to reflect on how they are feeling and create an environment that promotes that. The environment depends on the particular child and family but sometimes it can be helpful to create a cosy safe environment or, alternatively, activities can help to open up a dialogue as they feel less intense. This could be anything from going for a walk, a drive, or baking.
3. Be visual
Pictures can help children to label their feelings. This is where the characters of Inside Out can help – they are physical representations of strong emotions and can help children to identify their feelings and the role they play.
4. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness can be useful for both children and adults as a coping technique. When their parents are separating, children may be fearful of what the future will look like and a lot of anxiety surrounds the unknown. Mindfulness can help focus the mind on the present.
5. Communicate
Children learn from the ways we communicate with them (and around them), so it is important to lead by example. Opening up a safe channel of communication, and making it clear that there is someone on their side, can help children to share their feelings.
How can you be supported as a parent?
It is important to keep in mind that, particularly during a difficult separation, you as parents may also need some help. Accessing support as parents can be a central part of supporting your children, to give you the headspace and tools you need. There are plenty of resources available which can be tailored to your particular situation. In addition to useful online guidance and resources (such as those produced by Place2Be), some of our clients choose to work with a therapist. This can be beneficial on both an individual level (i.e. a therapist for personal support and wellbeing) and as a family (i.e. a family therapist who can help explore how best to discuss the separation with children and how to answer difficult questions they may have). A separation can be challenging but you do not need to go through it alone – having the tools and support in place can help you feel more prepared and promote your own emotional wellbeing, therefore enabling you to be in the best position to support your children.
The aim of the Know Yourself, Grow Yourself, campaign is to encourage open communication about emotions and feelings. A divorce or separation is a crucial time to consider the mental health of the children and young people involved but, with the right approach and support, it need not have a long term impact on the emotional wellbeing of your children. Keeping in mind the bigger picture and taking an approach that promotes a harmonious parenting relationship in the long term can really make a difference both to you and your children. Utilise the many resources available and, where needed, seek professional/legal help from someone who, like you, keeps your children at the heart of everything.
Further information
If you have any questions, please contact Lisa Robertson in the Family team.
About the author
Lisa Robertson joined Kingsley Napley as an Associate in the Family team in June 2021. Prior to this, she trained and qualified at another top London firm specialising in divorce involving high net worth individuals.
We welcome views and opinions about the issues raised in this blog. Should you require specific advice in relation to personal circumstances, please use the form on the contact page.
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