Who cares? What you can do to support the carers in your life

WIth National Carers Rights Day taking place on 24th November, Leena Lakhani, an Associate Barrister in our Criminal Litigation team, describes in this very honest blog how she tries to balance her professional and personal responsibilities

My life as an independent, (relatively) young person who was enjoying the perks of central London living, completely changed following a bereavement. I found myself left, not only to deal with that grief but also with the primary caring responsibility for my 60-year-old mother who has an advanced type of dementia. The shock of adjusting to my ‘new normal’ was overwhelming in every sense and finding a balance between my new caring responsibilities, a social life, and my career, felt entirely impossible.

On an average day, my duties towards my mother include: waking her, washing/bathing her, cooking her meals with specific requirements to avoid the risk of choking and feeding her as she is unable to feed herself, dealing with incontinence issues, ensuring that she moves position regularly to avoid the development of bed sores, administering medication (including injections) within very specific time frames, helping her with mobility as she cannot walk unaided, and taking her out to get some fresh air.

On a less than average day, it can get more complicated; she may not be able to communicate at all, she may not be able to move at all, she may refuse to eat anything, she may have episodes of crying hysterically for no apparent reason, she may have bouts of extreme depression, she may wake me by screaming up to 10 times in the night, she may suffer the loss of memory, she may hallucinate, and there may be regular trips to the hospital with several hours waiting in A&E. Being a carer for a loved one is not only about providing for them on a daily basis and adjusting your days to their needs, but is ultimately about giving your loved one a sense of dignity. Dealing with it all on the more difficult days without showing upset, frustration, and even sometimes anger, is often the hardest part.

I was notionally prepared for caring to be an emotionally and physically draining experience, but I was totally unprepared for just how isolating it can be. Initially, friends and family try to be helpful, but their presence and effort fizzles out fairly quickly. As you begin to realise that the responsibility is almost entirely yours, making plans for the future starts to seem impossible. It becomes harder to open up about your genuine feelings because you don’t want to be a constant negative or dampening presence within a group, and pretending to be cheerful and upbeat is exhausting in itself so you tend to isolate even further. When you do manage to get out and about, you feel like you have nothing interesting or exciting to contribute to a conversation. If you feel behind with work, it is easy to feel useless, incapable and like a failure. None of these feelings are helped by our world today which is dominated by social media, which gives the impression that everybody around you is progressing positively and joyfully with their lives, whilst your existence feels dark, heavy, and gloomy in comparison.

Carer life often comes with a side of grief for the life that you might have led, but for the caring responsibility (which is another reason to feel guilty). Depression and/or anxiety often adds to your list of things to battle on a daily basis. Well-meaning friends and family will advise you to make time to look after yourself but those of us in that position know all too well that it is much easier said than done. Sometimes you are too mentally exhausted to even work out how to build in some time for yourself.

I have not even touched upon the more obvious challenges that carers face such as heightened stress levels that impact their mental and physical health, the effects of a chronic lack of sleep on all aspects of their lives including relationships, the restrictions on their social lives, as well as the financial pressures.

So what can the firm do to ease the ‘Career vs Carer’ tension? What can you do to bring some relief to people in your life who have taken on a caring role?

I have been very lucky to have received unlimited support from my line managers, the partners in my department and my wonderful colleagues throughout my caring journey so far. They continue to be flexible and understanding of my ever-changing circumstances and are always finding ways to help me cope.  Drawing from my own experiences and the help that I have received, I have listed some examples of things that can really make a difference to the carers in your team:

• Sign-posting the resources that the firm offers to carers (such as access to therapy, flexible working policy etc);
• Having a point of contact from the HR team to help with guidance as circumstances change over time;
• Having regular check-ins with line-managers to actively control and monitor workload;
• Having a PA who takes proactive steps to reduce any unnecessary pressures and to relieve the amount of admin that needs to be done in our line of work;
• Making use of the flexible working options and be understanding that some plans may need to change at short notice (i.e. if caring cover cannot be found);
• Taking the time to schedule meetings (where possible) at a time that works for the carer. Sometimes having an 8.30am or 9am meeting may prove to be tricky for someone who has to deal with a full-on morning routine. Giving advance notice of an early or late meeting is helpful so that cover can be arranged on the caring side of things;
• Being mindful of the disproportionate amount of time that evening marketing events take up of a carer’s free time, compared to other members of the team.

If you have friends or family who are carers, then there are also little things that you can do on an individual level, which are so effective and will be gratefully received, such as:

• Offering to pop over occasionally for an hour or so to sit with the unwell individual so that the carer can have an hour to themselves to sort the endless paperwork that comes with being a carer, do the housework, have a nap without worrying, or for them to be able to go out for a run/walk by themselves;
• Simply listening to them vent or let them have a cry without judgement and without feeling the need to offer a solution (I guarantee that they have thought of all options);
• Accompanying them on errands (combining a social catch up with ticking a life-admin task off their list – multitasking at its most efficient);
• Being ‘normal’ with them. Just because they have loads of stuff going on in their lives, doesn’t mean that they don’t want to hear about your life updates and problems (no matter how trivial they may seem). Changing your behaviour around them will only add to the sense of isolation;
• Being mindful where social events are arranged – the nearer to their home, the more likely they will be able to attend;
• Encourage your friend/family to seek therapy to deal with the myriad of emotions that come with such responsibility, and if necessary, to go to their GP and seek appropriate medication.

The majority of carers just want to have some normality in their lives. While no-one can wave a magic wand and make all the challenges any carer faces go away, there are small adjustments and gestures which can make such a huge difference on a day-to-day basis. To anyone that is a carer and is silently struggling, I urge you to take up offers of help or reach out to someone that will understand – you are not alone!

It is not all doom and gloom though…

Finally, and to end on a positive note, not every day is terrible. You have to work on focusing on those little silver linings. Sometimes, my mother will have moments of lucidity which are just so special; these moments feel like precious gifts. It brings me to tears (of joy…for a change) when she is visibly excited to see me and I now recognise (after months of therapy) that it is such an honour to be the one person that can put a smile on her face, and to be the one who has provided her with dignity, comfort, and safety at this stage of her life. When the inevitable happens, I already know that I will have no regrets in the knowledge that I stood by her during her most vulnerable phase, when she needed me the most.  

FURTHER INFORMATION

If you have any questions regarding this blog, please contact Leena Lakhani.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Leena Lakhani is a barrister in the Criminal Litigation department. Her practice covers all areas of criminal defence, white collar crime and internal investigations. Leena was called to the Bar in 2015 and spent three years at the independent Criminal Bar prior to joining Kingsley Napley. During that time, Leena represented clients in the Crown Court, Youth Court and Magistrates’ Court for trials, sentencing hearings, legal arguments, applications and ancillary orders.